Forgive my silence but my life has overtaken my keyboard! Today is the day before my wedding – my wedding to a man who I can say is my true love; and whom I find I love more now than I did the first time – and that surprises me no end! And yes there have been many comments as to the date – D Day, make of it what you will.
It proves my long held belief, that while there is evil in the world, there is also magic. I am a standing, walking, talking rebuttal of every statistic about a ‘woman my age’. I am 59 years old and as giddy as a schoolgirl. Kissing, hugging, touching, holding hands, touching his face, and all that other good stuff – oh my! Yeahsureyoubetcha’!
And I am terrified. Oh yes I am. I spent much of the morning with tears rolling down my face (and the humorous input of the new not-waterproof mascara giving me such a face as for a clown!) and J forced me to talk to him – smart man. I am terrified to have more people in my life to love. There is not just J, but his children D and S whom I already have come to love. Three more people for whom I (foolishly I admit) feel responsible – for their happiness, for their future, for their very lives. Because years ago the Universe gave me everything I wanted and then in the time it takes for a bullet to traverse three feet – it took it all away.
It took me years to be brave enough to love someone again; and then the Universe gave me my heart walking on two tiny feet – Q. And yes, I did and still do fear every single day that ‘something’ will happen to take her away from me. But that fear is so overshadowed by the overwhelming love I feel every time I see that face, or hear her voice, or call up a memory; it is of no moment.
And as my soon-to-be husband reminded me this morning I’m not such a coward that I will give away this wonderful chance for more people to love. I won’t. I will be afraid every day; but I will not give into that fear. I will not throw away love, and lust (wonderful stuff!), and laughter, and a future that looks like more fun than swimming with dolphins while blowing bubbles with fairy dust (paint your own picture).
I want to share this with you all. I want us all to reach every day for every bit of joy we can handle and then grab some more. It is amazing when you are well and truly happy; I find people come up to me, give me things, find an excuse to speak to me – it is because they sense that deep recess of humming joy and want to be near it.
I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I am grateful that the evil I have seen and the tragedy I have experienced have taught me to appreciate every moment, every ray of sunshine, and every touch of the breeze on my face, every hug, every kiss, every laugh.
And so yes, I will marry this wonderful, sexy, funny, smart man; and I will taste every moment of it with all my senses. I will allow him to pamper me, and hover over me, and worry about me. I will love his children and continue to love my own. I will cry when they have any upset or tragedy and I will rejoice when they have every accomplishment and joy.
Q is staying over for a week so I will be entertaining her and catching up on her life. I will try not to be so very long between posts. After that week it’s back to work for me! Boxes or no – I have a writer’s conference in July to be ready for and a deadline to meet for some articles. This being happy business takes up so much time she said grinning ear to ear.