It’s five a.m. now but when I woke it was 0330hrs. Arghh! What do you do when you can’t sleep, and I don’t mean that tossing and turning around ten or eleven p.m. but the wake up call your body turns on around three or four a.m.? My husband reads himself back to sleep; I watch movies that I have seen at least twelve times so I don’t have to listen to the dialogue, or I get up and work. Now I just need to learn the art of napping; a skill I don’t possess.
But then the rough nights when I wake from a screaming nightmare, these are more frequent than I care to admit, and do my new husband’s slumber no good, are more difficult to make a recovery, like tonight. When I tell you that I’ve had an interesting life, that means it has some hairy and downright terrifying parts as well – these apparently stay with one.
For years, when I was involved in a certain type of work, we had regular psyche evaluations and the chap I always had wrote the word “stoic” in my evaluation like it was a bad thing. I never got that. For years, I don’t even remember where I got it or when, but I have had a sampler hanging in my home: “Please understand there is no depression in this house and we are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist.” - Victoria, Queen of England. I found nothing unusual or troubling in this quote or philosophy.
Now my love tells me there is this condition called PTSS of which I have heard but certainly never applied to myself; and which has an amazing dearth of information on the Net. I have always taken the nightmares and the occasional bouts of grief to be payment due on my karmic debt. I’ve never done anything in that respect that I am ashamed of, or that if forced into the situation I would not do again – but violence always exacts a price, and perhaps it is higher from a woman – we are after all the ones who give life.
So on nights like this there is very little chance of returning to sleep and I’m watching “The Longest Day”. Yes, I know, interesting choice – but holy crap they have everyone in this film! I’m amazed it was made in 1962, it seems it should have been made earlier. My boys John Wayne and Robert (to die for) MItchem, as well as Henry Fonda, Eddie Albert, Paul Anka, Jean-Louis Barrault, Bourvil, Richard Burton, Red Buttons, Sean Connery, Irina Demick, Fabian, Mel Ferrer, Steve Forrest, Rod Steiger, Paul Hartmann, Peter Lawford, Roddy McDowall, Sal Mineo, Robert Ryan, Tommy Sands, George Segal, Robert Wagner, Stuart Whitman, and on and on! It’s in black and white and the special effects are nothing like the present day but it gets your blood up if you are English, American or French I must say. Also my wedding date she said, with a significance difference of year!
Peter Crawford wears a turtleneck into battle and bagpipes lead Sir Sean Connery through the surf into battle! I love it!
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