Friday, 19 November 2010

Only a bit of insanity...

I have to say I feel very special. Apparently my last post, the meltdown in Carmel, had quite an impact on my friends and family. I’m fine now – all right I’m exhausted but I’m fine. I’m back to my optimistic, if exhausted, self.

The Carmel Bust remains a bust, albeit we had a grand time when we went down into the city, filled with charming shops and fairy tale cottages. We made the requisite walk on the beach, which was both beautiful and romantic. The Carmel Valley Ranch was a huge disappointment. Had we been expecting what it was – more a campground/golfer retreat, it would have been fine. We would have gone somewhere else. However the website (and the price!) advertised it as a luxury resort. We don’t ask for a lot on vacation, we ‘re good at entertaining ourselves, but we are very big on room service as I like to get up early to work and the adorable husband likes to have the unusual chance to sleep in, it puts us on a different timetable than the average restaurant. When making the reservations, the adorable husband specifically asked about room service, and was assured they had a full menu – not at all, not even anything worth taking the time to bother, nowhere to walk but to their restaurant which was also not so great and had only set hours. Ug. And for me the chance (as in NYC or Paris) to take off out the door and be able to walk is a treat, as Houston has no sidewalks even when the horrid weather permits one to venture out without dying of the humidity and heat. But at this place there was nowhere to walk but the golf course…

As to the meltdown – that was mine alone. It ‘s all a time issue. This is my first novel and I’m treading unknown ground. I attended Surrey two years ago to learn something about the business side of writing, and did so; but this year I was there to break into the published ranks. So…. When some agent assumes your book that they are very interested in, is finished…. You don’t contradict them do you?

The problem is that when I began the manuscript it was one story, but involved into another with a running side plot! Once I honed down the first three chapters for submission I found the main story line. Which means that now I am removing huge chunks from the manuscript (thankfully enough for two more books, one of a completely different genre) and rewriting like mad to connect the dots of what is left, and to create the end – which is thankfully in my head, but not yet on paper. My biggest fear right now is that one of the agents that I sent a submission is going to ask to see the rest of the manuscript! Therefore I feel like I have to get it done NOW.

I find it a never-ending source of personal amusement that after careful study of the religions of the world I chose Buddhism, and Mahayana at that – which is inherently about moderation – the Middle Path. Moderation is NOT something I have ever been good at; it is the mountaintop for me, the end of the marathon. Hence I have been at the laptop almost every waking moment and have put all kinds of pressure on myself – certainly no one else is doing so as I have unconditional support from the adorable husband, and the rest of my family.

Last night I had the most wonderful and funny talk with the adorable husband. With the abating of the migraines due in some mysterious and unknown medical reason to the Red Bull consumption, I am left with only two physical problems. I have chronic fatigue for some unknown reason, and I will say publically for the first time – some form of PTSD – consequently I have chronic nightmares (the wake you up screaming and crying kind), and nights concurrently with only three hours of sleep. Which yes, could explain the problem I have with fatigue; albeit I think that also has to do with my problem with moderation. I will get up and go and go until I fall over, as I have always done. Really sometimes I think there was a mistake with the IQ score! Along with the problem with moderation, I’m also really, really, bad at asking for help. Really bad. Really.

Back to the talk last night – due to my complete attention to the manuscript, attentions to the adorable husband, which are normally at the tear your clothes off stage, have dropped off dramatically. The conclusion we came to, this is the funny part, is that unlike most people – when the wife withholds frequent passionate kissing sessions, it’s because she thinks the husband will take that as a signal that sex is on yes? In our household, it’s because the wife, who is exhausted, knows once she starts kissing on the adorable husband SHE will be the one to insist on it leading to sex! So how do you like them apples?

I think it a good thing if at the age of sixty if you can still be amused by your own behavioral quirks. So there you have it. Problem with moderation, adorable and supportive husband, loving and concerned family, fans insisting you ‘write something on your blog’, and a sex drive that rivals the twenty-something set. Not a bad situation is it?

And before the suggestions pour in, I have a doctor on the case of the fatigue, and I’m pretty sure that my diet has been poor to crappy, and I’m taking steps today to change that. The treadmill in my office now, assures regular exercise I’m happy to say – that and the new series of Dr Who that I only allow myself to watch while on the treadmill. At the suggestion of the adorable husband, and the insistence of my child, I am going to call the local Veterans’ Hospital and ask for a referral to someone who has experience in the area I need addressed.

So for those who love me, I’m fine – just the normal insanity, and for those who enjoy reading me – THANK YOU, and as soon as I get this bloody manuscript finished I will be here daily. Until then I shall do my best to get some deep and meaningful or at least amusing post up more frequently.


Gary said...

There ya go...back to doing the WRITE thing. PTSD...I'm the Iowa City VA Hospital poster child for successful recovery using the new PTSD Immersion Therapy. Good reoccuring dreams for well over a year. The Irish lady I live with calls me her "Zen Boy". (Too bad she, three other wives, and I myself had to live with "Unresolved and Necrotic Guilt Boy"...but we all survived and these days we're each pretty happy. Ya gotta love resilience!)
I think one of the better things about me is that I've never failed to realize that I could use some improvement. An even better thing is that I haven't relentlessly been resistent to it. Evolution's good...even when it hurts. Happy Thanksgiving, my good Friend!

sally in norfolk said...

well i think we all have a meltdown now and again its usually the most stupid thing that sends us over the edge,last week it was my printer :-)

most of us are strong enough to get over it with help from our loved ones

only 4 weeks now till Geoff is home :-) then all will be well mentally and physically :-)

lady macleod said...

as you requested...
I don't know about the PTSD therapy... I'm very hesitant, as is proven by how long it has taken me to get here...I'm very pleased it worked for you. Aw.. not a lot of improvement needed aye?
Thank you for coming by.

lady macleod said...

I know you are so very sad without your Geoff. I'm pleased he will be back to you soon - with many tales of adventure I'm certain! That man knows how to "retire"! Give him a hug from me as well.
Best to you my friend, Thank you for coming by.

scarlettscion said...

I don't know that the "strong enough" vocabulary is particular helpful when you're talking about PTSD, for heaven's sakes. Saying someone who can't "get over it" with friends and family "isn't strong enough" is...well, just not helpful at all, for all sorts of reasons.

Sparx said...

Wow, just read this... really hoping things are looking up... and sometimes the only way to see something for what it really is, is to write a synopsis. Life, book, whatever. Sort of gets to the meat of it.