Tuesday, 27 January 2009

I feel a bit like Tiny Tim - BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

Tissue Alert!!!!

I have a policy that I like to get all my crying done in one sit if possible so I only watch sad movies when I was planning to have a good cry anyway. Well! Being a Keria Knightly fan (in spite of Pride and Prejudice) I thought I would treat myself to a nice Saturday morning period piece, The Duchess. I expected great costumes (got that), wonderful sets (got that), good acting (Ralph Fiennes, got that), and an entertaining tale. Crying I was by the bloody middle of the film and by the end I was in sobs!

Bugger, not fair – I want a sticker attached to movies that make you cry!

Quite good enough film, do see it – but bring a handkerchief, perhaps two!

I love the simple unexpected joys, and I am grateful every time I find them: I was doing a walk/run (mostly walk right now) the Rice Track (I’m so fortunate Rice University is nearby and has a surrounding track of 2.5 miles (we are in America now, and with the distance to my house and the necessary follow up trip to Starbucks – I say I get a solid three miles (4,8 km). I was taking the run on Saturday, a lovely day if a bit brisk, and some city worker chaps were doing that never ending thing that those people do to underground pipes, and in so doing had strung one of the pipes ( five, six feet across easily) across the path; but quiet nicely I thought, had built a little sand hill over it. So I found myself doing that thing we all did as children - running up and ‘flying’ down the little hill arms outstretched, created over the pipe. Hey, you have to find joy where you can, the two huge chaps standing watching me found it pretty funny I thought! I just am in joy that we as humans are capable of that sort of little burst of happiness no matter what our brains are futzing over. It was a really nice moment.

Okay – today I’m dying. NO, that’s not it. Yesterday I was dying. Some vicious, nasty, Nazi virus/ (no, not the twin thing, but I thought that was interesting eh?) bacteria spotted me last week being all joyful and getting ready for the surgery and said, “Get her!”. I never get colds or the flu (well almost never Q)! Bad bloody timing indeed!!! Argh. Carrying about tissues with me and using them at the same rate the economy is going into the toilet, coughing up the last of my pulmonary cellular tissue. Albeit there was some fun to be had for my love and my friend yesterday when I decide to just take a pill of every colour in the treatment bag he brought over – well that’s what they were there for yes? I mean the man is a doctor! So I was a little, let’s say – loopy – for a bit; quite entertaining according to J. So the “doctor” gets me antibiotics. “But honey it’s a cold! A virus, an antibiotic won’t help a virus.”
“You need an antibiotic – all that coughing?”
Yes gents, I’m taking the antibiotics. And ladies should I get that side effect we sometimes get from taking antibiotics…. Uh hmmmm…. Not just my loss eh? Hehe, wicked wicked girl.

All right state of affairs on Tuesday: the Internist has decided that one of the nodules on the thyroid ultrasound looks “suspicious” (Bogey movie anyone?) and needs to be biopsied. Take a look at this! Yikes! I bet the only reason she’s smiling is that they gave her a shit load of drugs!!!!

MY PLAN is to do the biopsy while they have me under for the eight hours of plastic surgery; I mean I’m there, I’m asleep, just call in the chap with the bloody scary needle– sounds perfectly logical and more expeditious, and less likely for me to cold cock some poor guy holding a needle coming at my throat – you see what I mean?

Meanwhile back in the dark and dreary parts of the tale – we are still awaiting the ‘other’ mammogram for comparison and word if I need the MRI. (Woman shouting into the ether) There is nothing wrong with my breasts! They are perfectly serviceable! Arghhhhh. I tell you one thing, no matter the outcome I’m walking in that April ‘Walk for Breast Cancer Research’ they have here – something good eh? Awareness is a good thing.

The problem is TIME. He has only me booked for Friday, so I can’t wait until the last minute to say, “Ooops can’t make it, guess you’re out thousands of dollars for the day.” It’s rude.

So I may have to delay and that would not the worst thing, no it won’t. But - I have this unfounded fear that if I don’t get it done on Friday something will happen (think that bastard Madoff) and I will never get it – like a very disappointed child on Christmas morning. I’m being quite the pissy little girl aren’t I, but I have a very bad cold you know… and my nose is becoming sore.
And it’s not looking good for Friday, between the cold, coughing, sneezing, and the mammogram issue and the thyroid issue, and the fact I could use a couple of pints of blood (Mutley?) – it’s not looking good for Friday. I am sad.

J. just called and he’s voting for postponement… see the sad face on the nice redhead? ..with the sniffy nose and hacking cough…

Have I just been poopy enough? You know me, I’ll perk up any minute now (hopefully the one when I get a call saying, “we’re on!”), but if not… It could be worse eh? It could be soooooo much worse and I know that. Thank you lovely readers for letting me piss and moan. You are lovely and kind.

Updates will follow.


UPDATE: @ 1127hrs local time usa

I do feel it necessary to say that YES I do feel a bit foolish and fortunate to have the above problems when people are losing their jobs by the thousands and are frightened for their families!

I’ve had a good cry, after a logical and loving call from J. outlining what he feels is the best course and after meditating – I faced the fact that I’m frightened people. What if the thyroid nodule is cancer, what if the mammogram does show cancer? The plastic surgery won’t seem so very important eh? But how much easier has it been for me to focus on that! So I’m going to get my hair done (the women will understand) then I’m coming back, calling my doctor’s office and rescheduling the surgery. Then, oh joy, I will call the hospital and schedule the thyroid biopsy and whatever results from that and await the results of the mammogram studies and sludge about with my low blood count (grrrrr). I am not the only woman going through this – but it’s just particularly bad timing (like there is a good time?) because of my new found/re-found happiness in the love sector.

It took me a long time to make it all right with myself to do something as totally selfish as this surgery and now it’s going blooey. Then of course I made the mistake of watching a thyroid biopsy on you-tube, so now I’m really freaked! Mercy! So there it is…. FEAR.



Moannie said...

Oh gosh! Poor you, feeling run down and procedures pending. I do wish you well. Makes me feel ridiculously healthy and that it is time to be a bit more grateful for nothng more than a bit of arthritus.

There is a lovely rhythm to your writing that I find tremendously appealing...it is honest.

jmb said...

That YouTube has a lot to answer for! However I really appreciated when we had to replace the keyboard on my laptop.

I am sure your mind and emotions are all in a whirl but postponing is very good advice since you don't want the complications that might come from going ahead with a cold/flu or whatever. All the rest will shake down as it will and you deal with it then.

However I am sure you are like a cat on a hot tin roof as you wait for these results.

Remember it will be fine, fine, fine. That's what I am hoping, just like you.